I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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