He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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