I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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