So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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