i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
