I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You may now shotgun with the bride
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
