and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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