she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
