I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize