I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
