Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
