Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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