a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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