and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize