Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
