it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
