pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
