NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
