I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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