hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will be naked everywhere
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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