Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
