im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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