If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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