He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
