the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Only a mothe r could love this liver
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
