Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
