I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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