I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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