Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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