He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
