??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
