Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
