When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
