So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
