Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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