Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
