so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
it's like iHOP with fire
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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