she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
