I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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