so that wasnt chicken after all
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
