You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
