I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
