I hate all girls vehemently.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize