Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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