I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
