hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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