about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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