Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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