Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
A bitchslap is in order.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
