And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
