life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
