life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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