I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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