Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
