Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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