I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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