found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's just like the Real World with babies
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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